


The Stars that separated them

by spagetticannon



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-05-28 12:55:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15049529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spagetticannon/pseuds/spagetticannon
Summary: A crowd had gathered around a break in the perimeter surrounding Polis. He found Echo, Monty and Harper.“What happened?” Bellamy asked with confusion plastered on his face.They did not answer or turn to face him but continued to look of paralysed onto the vast planes of the desert. He followed their gaze. He saw nothing but a black mound about 100 metres away from him. This person was small and petite yet you could tell was as strong as anyone twice their size. It was only when he got a glimpse of their hair, or should he say her hair, did all the blood drained from his body. Stands on pink intertwined beautifully with her strong blond.As Clarke is distancing herself from Bellamy, an incident occurs where in which she become injured. Follows the fall out of that injury and how Bellamy deals with it.





	1. Scars

**Author's Note:**

> I know that In the show Bellamy and Echo are together and I have nothing against Becho but for the sake of the story, rather than form a relationship in space they formed a very strong friendship

Clarke had been avoiding him. He could sense it. It wasn't that they had spent 6 years separated by the stars and time had evolved them into new, yet dissimilar people. It wasn’t their self evolution that separated them more than the stars ever could. It was something that had happened and he couldn’t figure it out. The more he thought the more lost for words be became until he had scoured his mind trying the tie something to Clarke forcing distance between them and coming up short. No sooner than he was brought back to reality by a shout outside, than he realised the lack of light shining through the thin, some could argue papery, material of his tent. It was night. He had spent what seemed like minutes, but were realistically hours, trying to place reason behind Clarke unreasonable actions. When he rose from his bed, the stiffness in his body told him just how long he had been sitting there. He thought that it was best to stretch his legs so he curled back the opening to his tent and stepped outside to the place he looked upon for 6 years only to return and find it a completely new world.

Members of Wonkru were scattered around the place. Talking quietly to themselves in the darkness of the night and the shadows of life in the bunker. Small children playfully laughed in the distance which tugged the corner of Bellamy's mouth upwards for a second. Flashing back to a time where earth presented happiness and the promise of a better future. This smile lasted merely a second, when the memories of what earth was truly like pushed its way to the forefront of his mind. The shadow of war which left scars that till this day are untouched in the furthest part of his mind. (Who we are and who we need to be survive are two different things). He used to tell himself this daily. That what he did on earth was necessary for survival and isn't who he truly was. He was wrong. 6 years of isolation from the constant fear of death, from Clarke, allowed him to think. Allowed him to edge as close to those scars as he let himself. Allowed him to realise that what he did to survive, what everyone did to survive, was the true representation of who we are at our most raw form, unprotected from harsh reality. Losing Clarke was one of those scars. The image of the doors closing, of her simmering in radiation slowly until it granted her the freedom of death, lay untouched in his mind. It replayed over and over in his head for the first few months on the ring. The guilt and pain of what he did never faulted and he forced himself to mouled all thoughts of Clarke, even the good ones, in to a scar placed delicately in a dark part of his mind. All but one. To use his head. The only thing he could do that could pay a fraction of the credit to the women who was his best friend, his fellow leader, the head to his heart.

Yet again, Bellamy was torn away from the inner working of his mind back to reality by a shot and then a shout. This time, however, it continued. It grew louder and louder. Without thinking, Bellamy broke off in a stride towards the anger roar. A crowd had gathered around a break in the perimeter surrounding Polis. He found Echo, Monty and Harper.

“What happened?” Bellamy asked with confusion plastered on his face.

They did not answer or turn to face him but continued to look of paralysed onto the vast planes of the desert. He followed their gaze. He saw nothing but a black mound about 100 metres away from him. This person was small and petite yet you could tell was as strong as anyone twice their size. It was only when he got a glimpse of their hair, or should he say her hair, did all the blood drained from his body. Stands on pink intertwined beautifully with her strong blond. Clarke was shot dead. The image of Clarke dying in praimfaya came crashing, unwanted, to the forefront of his mind. (That can’t be Clarke. Please dear god why have to taken her away from me again)

With his head paralysed by the thought of being without Clarke, he legs started to move towards her as if on instinct. Echo reached out her hand and grab hold of Bellamy's. He didn't need to see her like this. She didn’t want him to add this to the mountain of pain that resides within his heart but he knew he needed to be with her; he couldn't leave her. Not again. With this thought he broke free from Echo soft grip hand and slowly walked towards Clarke's limp body, the world spinning as he did. (This can't be Clarke! Why would she be leaving?) He reached the mound and turn her body so she would be facing him. Tears were now silently streaming down his face in buckets and mutters and shouts behind him were the only sounds for what seemed like miles. As his eyes met hers, she lets a small grown. She was alive. The feeling of guilt and pain that he buried inside him on the ring came flooding to the surface. The guilt of leaving her behind. The pain of leading without his head. Bellamy knew that if he were to lose her again these feelings would never leave him. The image of Clarke bleeding out on this desert would be the first thing he thought about when he woke up and leaving her behind on earth would be the last thing he thought about when he went to sleep. Good memories of Clarke, happy ones they shared together, will be tainted by the darkness of his sleep until nothing's left but the shred of a man that lost his soul mate not once, but twice. An insignificant shell of who he used to be.

Her small whisper reached towards him like a light guiding him home. 

“Bellamy…” she whispered so quietly one could barely hear it. 

“You’re alright. You’re going to be alright”. He tried to keep his voice steady but the overwhelming emotion at this very moment in time demanded to be felt. 

He scooped her up in his arms as gently has as he could and as fast as he need to be. A louder groan left her lips this time which only made his heart ache more. He repeated his mantra softly in her hair as he turned to move back towards Polis.

“You’re alright. You’re alright”. Emotion plague his voice.

Her fist was clenched around his t-shirt. The pain of his movement must be overwhelming but he knew he need to move fast. He knew seconds were the difference between life and death; Between him losing her again. 

He had reached the crowd that he had left what seemed like years ago, only this time he returned with Clarke's body cradled to his chest. Whispers and gasp rose from the crowd as he quickly moved through them. Monty and Harper remain still, shocked by the image of their once fierce leader, knocking on heavens door. Echo, on the other hand, move swiftly towards Bellamy. She examined Clarke's body and turned back to meet Bellamy's eyes. They were broken and full of the emotion that she only recognise in his from the ring. Desperation. She looked back down to Clarke body and applied pressure to what she assumed was the bullet wound. The blood covered Clarke as if her own skin. They made their way through Polis to the medical tent. Jackson was standing inside sorting out what was left of their medical supplies. When he saw Clarke's limp body in Bellamy’s arms his expression resembled Bellamy's a few moments ago. 

“Put her on the table!” he ordered Bellamy and he followed it without question. He continued to bark orders to other medical staff and it wasn’t until the pressure of Clarke's body was removed from his, and he was standing paralysed over her unconscious state, did Bellamy truly feel like he could lose her. That that could be the last time he ever touched her. The last time he spoke to her. A thousand thought rushed into his head about what he wished he had said to her. About how he had never meet someone who looked so beautiful and intense all at once. That he loved when she tucked her hair behind her ears as it allowed him to see the small cluster of beauty marks that lived behind them. How we did not survive the first few weeks on the ground because of him, but because of her. Her strength and determination and sometimes down right stubbornness was what willed him to be better everyday. That just knowing her made him a better person. That he needed her. The idea that he may never be able to fully tell her how important she was to him became too much for him to handle. He could feel himself slipping deeper and deeper into that dark pit of guilt and pain that he only just managed to climb out of the last time. As he was staring down at her laying on that table, an enormous wave of anger hit him. Why was she even lying on this table? Who did this to her? Just was Echo was going to place her hand on his shoulder, did he turn around suddenly and storm out of the tent. She did not take this personally as she was the one who had fought so hard to save Bellamy the last time Clarke ‘died’ and she understood sometimes he needed space. She couldn’t even start to imagine what he was going through right now. She walked out of the medical tent and watched him stride off into the distance back towards were they had just come from. She willed Clarke to live, not just for her own sake or Madi’s, but for Bellamy's as well.


	2. Blood on his hands

He marched towards the crowd that he had just left to find the answer that he desperately need. People were still crowded round talking between themselves most probably about what had resided here a few minutes ago. As he approached people's voices dulled down to a low drown and eventually to silence. Their eyes watched him cautiously as if he was standing too close to a cliffs edge. Bellamy scanned the crowd, ignoring their stares, unsure of what, or who, he was looking for. Wonkru all looks similar. No longer could you see the distinctions of various clans that 6 years ago they were willing to fight and die for. He found this strange until his mind crosses to Echo. An Azgeda spy willing to kill him for her clan, to family that made him stronger. As his eyes continued to scan they fell upon a man. If Bellamy wasn’t looking as hard as he was he would have missed it but under his Wonkru coat lay the butt of a rifle. The thought of Clarke laying on that table flashed in his mind right before he moved towards him. This man was big. Bigger than Bellamy and probably stronger as well but that didn’t seem to cross his mind as he took a swing at that man Jaw. The force of the punch made the man fall to the floor, like a tree being cut down, letting out a small groan as he fell. Before he knew what he was going Bellamy was on top of this man punching him repeatedly. The sound of the man bones crunching on impacted with Bellamy fist echoed through the air. Bellamy was unable to control himself. He just kept punching , the sound of flesh against flesh, until the mans face was no longer his but Bellamy's own. He was falling into the dark hole. No later than he could get a single punch more in did a familiar voice rise from the crowd. Octavia.

“Brother what are you doing?”. Her face was plastered with confusion at the man she was seeing before her. A face similar to the one Bellamy wore when he first laid eyes on his sister after 6 years. Bellamy rose from the man, who now lay unconscious on the floor and Bellamy was unaware of when he had stopped fighting, and looked towards his sister. Tears were streaming down his face as he looked at the person who right now he need more than anyone else. His sister.

“He … that man … and now…”. He was unable to produce words that represented what was going on. The idea that what had just happened to that man, and what he did to Clarke, was so indescribable did not surprise Bellamy at all. Not what that man did to Clarke but to the lengths that he went to gain her justice.

“I know” she said cold and solomon. She knew? How did she know? Is that all she has to say when one of her own people shot her friend in cold blood? Was is cold blood? That thought frightened Bellamy more than anything.

“How? How did you know that? His voice match her tone as he realised that the person in front of him is not Octavia his sister, but Blodreina ‘The red Queen’.

All she did was stare at him. She didn’t mutter a single word but her silence told Bellamy all that he need to know. His sister, one of the two people he cared most about in the world, order to kill the other. Bellamy was speechless. His whole world was crashing down around him and again he got the sensation that he was falling deeper into the hole. He stepped back slowly away from the empty shell of his sister. 

“Bellamy let me explain” she stated as if her explanation will help him crawl back to reality.

“Explain!” Bellamy scream. He was sure if posed this as a statement or a question but the anger that felt before Octavia spoke was starting to crawl its way back to the surface. His face was now wet with tears. In a single hour Bellamy could lose the two most important people in his life. One for the second time.

“She was going to Dioza. She disobeyed my order. She was an enemy of Wonkru and I needed to act as the leader I am and not as the girl I used to be. Clarke was not different from the other traitors.” Her voice broke at the last part of her confession angering Bellamy even more. The 6 years apart had allowed everyone to change. Clarke became a parent, Echo an allie and Murphy someone to be trusted but the 6 years turned Octavia into someone that he no longer recognises. A tyrant.

“Are you kidding me! Clarke is no one's enemy! Time and time again she put her life on the line for us, for you and the second she wants to do something for her and her new family you shot her in the back!” 

At this point he is right up close to her face. Inches away. Members of Wonkru have drawn their weapons and would sure enough kill him if Blodreina gives the order.

“The Octavia I knew, my sister, would never have done this” his voice quiet now, almost a whisper however the anger still seeping through. She almost flicned has he said her name. “You are a Coward” This time loud so everyone surrounding them could hear. “You don’t lead, you terror and the moment something could come between you and the blood you paint on your forehead, you kill”. He empathis that last word, still unable to believe it himself. He stared at the deep brown eyes of the girl under the floor, that he could swear have tears in, that sit just the bellow blood stained forehead of Blodreina. He could see his sister in there. The contrast between who she used to be and who the bunker made her. So deeply focused on the anger he felt, he was unaware of Echo now standing by his side pulling him away. He fought against it for a second until he finally conceded against her weight and turn away from the monster standing before him.

The adrenaline that was pumping through his vein started to subsided as he walked further and further away from his sister. With the adrenaline wearing off, the image of Clarke, and the pain that accompanied it, came crashing into his mind. As he stopped walking so did Echo. He leaned against a wall and slowly slide down until his head was cradled in his hands. He started to cry. Echo copied Bellamy's movement and slid down next to him, placing an arm around his shoulder. 

Sitting there, the only sound that could be heard were Bellamy's sobs. It continued for a few minutes before Bellamy rose his head and it was only them did he notice his shirt. Blood. His shirt was covered in Clarke’s black blood. The mighty leader with the fierce blond hair, taken down by a bullet. There was to much there. There wasn't enough in her to keep her alive. A wave of guilt settled on his heart as if it was setting up a permanent home. Clarke was going to die and there was nothing he could do to do to stop it.

“She is going to die” he whispered so quietly as if he didnt want Echo to hear the confession. That it was just for him. She did.

“You don’t know that. Clarkes strong if anyone can cheat death then its her.”

Although her response was supposed to comfort him, only one thought popped into his mind. She already did. She cheated death in praimfaya, the chances of her doing it again dropped significantly. This thought made Bellamy sick. Not only because it could be true but because he has given up hope. Not in Clarke. Never in Clarke but in survival. Losing Clarke again would destroy him and it will be to much for Echo to pick up the pieces again.

How could he let this happen? After he saw her again after 6 years he thought that was it. She would be here forever. The thought never crossed his mind that after a week of her being back would she be ripped away from him again. Clarke was doing everything she could to save Madi, and he saw this, but why didn't he see that it meant she wouldn't be looking out for herself. That was his Job. To look out for her and he failed. Guilts house on his heart expanded and in moved anger. 

“Hey…” Echo said quietly as if she thought speaking to loudly would break him.

He turned to look at her. She was always therefore him and he knew that. He was forever grateful for her on the ring and now on earth. Bellamy found comfort in the eyes of the Azgeda spy that tried to kill his sister and he still found this surprising. Echo brought him into a hug that used to provide a safe haven for Bellamy however now it reminded him of the last time he hugged Clarke in the holding cell. He was so happy then, which lifted a slight weight on his heart: reliving the memory. That soon merged with the one of her body splayed cross his arms, clinging on for her life. Suddenly, shouts emerged from the medical tent. Bellamy quickly pulled away from echo, gave her a small smile of thankfulness, and got up running towards the shout. Leaving Echo, to once again, watch as he ran off the bring justice to the woman he loved. Although he may not know it yet, she did.

As Bellamy arrived at the tent, he could see Madi screaming at the men guarding the tent. The hands were on their weapon, ready to attack her. If that did not represent Wonkrus unforgiving nature, He didn’t know what did. He ran and stepped in front of Madi, facing the guards. He started at them for a moment, they placed their weapons back in their holsters and stepped back a few steps. As the guards retreated, Bellamy turn to Madi, whose eyes were red and swollen from crying. They were, however, filled with anger as she looked back at the man before her.

“Madi are you…”

“Don’t!” she spat back at him. Bellamy was confused. He had been the one to save Clarke. To bring her to the medical bay. He looked her in such away that expressed his confusion and willed for her to explain.

“You promised you wouldn't let anything happen to her! In the rover you said you would keep her safe!” She was screaming this at him. Her throat raw and expressing every possible emotion. People were watching but he didn’t care. She was right. He deserved her anger.

“You lied! You’re a liar!” With each word she punched onto Bellamy’s chest. She was getting tired. He could tell. Her head bowed and her voice became soft.

“She is my family. I need her…” she said, her head now resting on his chest as if she has completely given up. Desperation overwhelms her voice. All Bellamy wants to do is tell her he understands. He feels the same away. Clarke is his head, his family, his best friend. She is the person he loves most in the world and now she may be taken away again. Just as Bellamy is about to speak, to say all those things, Madi steps away from him and raise her head. Her face wet from tears, that also lay on Bellamy's t-shirt, yet her eyes filled with anger and then she spoke coldly.

“If she dies that on you. If she dies its because you didn’t protect her. Her blood will be on your hands”

With that Madi turned and ran into the dark streets on Polis, her sobs leaving a small trail behind her as she went.

Although her words shocked Bellamy, he knew she was right. He promised to Madi, and himself, that he would never lose Clarke Griffin again and now here he stands, under the blanket of stars that separated them for so long, with her blood literally on his hands.


	3. On the edge of a Cliff

Bellamy stood still outside the medical tent with Madi’s words rested on his shoulders (If she dies that on you). It felt like this small girl, not much taller than the bottom of his ribs, had stuck her hand into his cheats and ripped out his heart. It hurt so much more hearing it from someone else. From the moment the doors to Becca's lab closed he knew it was his fault. He should have waited for her, been by her side as he always promised. (Together). The guilt of leaving her always sat on his heart up on the ring but everyone up there kept telling him differently. That he did what he had to. That he saved them. That Clarke would be proud and at some point, he started to believe them. His heart slowly started to heal but now, with Madi telling him what deep down he always believed, reinforced the ideas that everyone kept telling him was wrong. If she dies, he knows that it will be his fault

With Jackson working to save Clarke's life just behind him, Bellamy felt useless. He needed some space. He walked through the abandoned streets of Polis, basking in its emptiness. It was quite on the ring, but the constant humming of the oxygen pushing its way through the filters meant it was never truly silent but here, on the ground, the silence created an eerie atmosphere that embraced him like a warm hug, providing him comfort. Away from all the noise and the politics he could truly be himself. Not someone who always needed to be the leader, the voice of reason, the person people come to for help but a normal man who was standing on the edge of a cliff and seeing which was the wind would take him; waiting. 

Being without Clarke was like free falling off an endless Cliff, searching for anything to grab hold off. The day Clarke died so did the person he used to be. That was the only way to describe life on the ring. Echo saved him from falling too deep but still, he was hanging by a branch place precariously on the cliff side. When Madi emerged from the tree, saving all their lives physically, little did she know that she saved him emotionally. (Clarke knew you would come). That single utterance placed Bellamy back on solid ground. Clarke was alive and at that moment he knew he would be as well. But now the uncertainty of Clarke's life placed him back on that cliff's edge, a placed he naively thought he would never be again, letting the wind decide which way he would drift; To the ground or a life without a direction.

Bellamy had been walking around Polis for around an hour. He understood that it would take time and he knew that if he was any closer he would snap. He was as far away as he needed to be but as close as he let himself get. He walked into an abandoned building, up to the roof, and sat quietly under the blanket of stars that he used to call his home. Images of who he used to be, before the ground, came flooding into his mind. Life in isolation. 

Although the thought of the ground seemed peaceful and hopefully up in the stars, once placing his feet firmly on the ground 7 years ago did he seem to believe that it was quite the opposite. That it was filled with war and death. That is was the grounders that were accustomed to that lifestyle. But now, looking down on the world that his sister created, the world that he stepped into, his was starting to see it differently. Did the grounders all them years ago, much like Wonkru now, get tainted by forces that they could not control. Wonkru being trapped inside a windowless prison to escape death, and the grounders who were greeted by people they had never meet before that had simply dropped from the sky wanting to live in their homes. Bellamy used to hate the grounders. He never understood why they started a war, but looking back at it now, he understands that they were faced with something who they did not understand and could not control.

While Bellamy was deep in thought, yet again, a low grown transcended from the sky; Diyosa. A couple of seconds later, the noise was accompanied by its possessor as a small aircraft lowered itself from the sky and landed in the centre of Polis. Although many of Diyosa previous threats had people running the bunker, Bellamy rose and drifted towards the noise like a magnet being drawn back to where it belongs. Just as he reached the square, the doors of the ship opened. Many people had returned to the surface now as it was obvious that this particular gift from Diyosa possed now threat. Bellamy pushed through the small yet rowdy group of people to reach the ship door only to be taken aback by how truly great this gift was. Standing at the bottom of the ship door, with a dark burn around her neck and the familiar long brown hair that flowed down he back like a river, was Raven. Her eyes met his and a smile had grown on her face. His expression matched her perfectly and, as a single tear fell from his eye, he ran towards her and swept her up into his arms. For a moment, everything else melted away.

Since returning back to earth, at the back of Bellamy's mind was the thought that he had left Raven and Murphy to die like he had Clarke. That thought, although unknown to anyone else, was eating away at him because they were as close to his family as Octavia. He could argue more now. That thought made him ashamed and saddened and as he pulled away to meet Raven eyes his expression was no longer mirroring hers.

“What wrong?” Raven asked, concern plaguing her voice.

Bellamy shook his head. “Nothing” he replied plainly. She didn't have to be burdened with Blodreina just yet. He wanted to spare her more pain for just a little bit longer. The crowd around them thinned out and all that was left was Bellamy and Raven standing together in the darkness of the night and the yellow flicker of street lamps.

“Where's Murphy and Emori?” Bellamy asked suddenly as the realisation dawned on him that she was alone.

“Emori’s fine. I had contact with her briefly from inside the camp. She has taken shelter inside the wood. Their pilot, Shaw, let me radio her. He is not on their side in this so I think that can be of advantage to us if we find a way to -”

Bellamy cut her off. “What about Murphy?”

Her eyes dropped to the floor and then closed. Her breathing became shallow and her shoulders slumped. It was as if the answer to that question was buried deep inside of her because it was too painful for her to think about. She raised her head, opened her eyes and out creped a singular tear. 

“He is still there. They only need one person to deliver the message and Murphy was adamant about getting me out of there. Bellamy these people…” her voice broken of. It was soft and delicate, which was not like Raven at all, and when Bellamy’s eyed made contact with the burns on her neck did it truly dawn on his what she had been through. The same as Clarke. A shock collar. In the stillness of the moment, Raven words sank in.

“What message?”

He eyes locked with his. “Wonkru has a week to surrender and make peace or everyone here will be killed. Murphy as well.” He voice broke on Murphy's name. He could see it in her eyes how much she cared for him and how much it hurt her that he is in danger with nothing she can do to help.

This message was not at all surprising to Bellamy as was the answer that he knows Octavia will give. They will never surrender so that means they have a few days to move out of Polis, away from Wonkru, before they all die. 

“Can I see her now?” Her voice was filled with hope and a small sliver of excitement. The prospect that accompanied Ravens messaged meant that he was confused about who she was referring to.

“See who?” Bellamy questioned.

“Clarke” He name was like a bullet to his heart. In the brief moment to Raven return, and the sheer joy he felt to be reunited with his family, he had forgotten about Clarke and the pain that accompanied the image of her lying unconscious on the medical table. He felt a slight pinch of anger at Raven for taking his attention away from the person who most needed, and deserved it, however grateful for the small relief from the ever constant pain in his chest. How was he meant to tell her that after 6 years separated from Clarke, and finally knowing she is alive, she could lose her again and not even get to talk to her face to face; to look into the blue eyes that resemble nothing but the bluest of oceans and the blonde hair that shines as bright as the sun hanging in the sky. How is he meant to tell her that her friend that risked her life for her time and time again, her saviour, is now the one that needs saving?

“Bellamy? What's wrong? Has something happened to Clarke?” 

His eyes met hers and the raw emotion that filled them was all the answers that Raven need. Her mind filled with a million possibilities until it was interrupted by Bellamy vocalising the emotion in his eyes that was spilling out of his eyes in the form of tears.

“She was shot. Jackson is doing everything he can but….” Bellamy broke down again. He slumped to the floor as if being dragged down deeper into darkness. He was sobbing now. Raven recognise this. She saw it on the ring. Bellamy was giving up again. He was losing hope. She felt all the emotion as well. The grief, the pain, the loneliness but she understood that what she was feeling was only a fraction of what the man, collapsed on his knees in front of her, felt. He needs to let the emotions in, to feel them all, so she decided that she wouldn't feel any at all. Bellamy always bottled his feelings to help her heal, and now it was her turn. She wiped her tears, knelt down in front of him and took his head in her arms. Within a second he had wrapped, what felt like, his entire body around her own and was clinging onto her for dear life. She placed her hand on his head and gently started to sooth his hair, humming sweetly in his ear, as Bellamy wept unapologetically into her chest.

After several minutes, Bellamy muttered something into her shirt. It was so quiet that she didn't think he had wanted her to hear it. That is was something just for him. It was almost a confession, a promise to himself that made her stomach twist. Never in all the years, she had known Bellamy had she ever seen him so vulnerable, to truly express his feelings even if only to himself. She had known before Praimfaya that Bellamy loved Clarke, but it wasn't until this very moment did she truly know how much. Even on the ring, his love was this abstract idea, separated by the stars but now, with the prospect of losing her again, Bellamy had just professed how deep his love for her was, how much he needed her and how great the pain would be if he lost her again, in one single promise. 

If she dies, I die.


	4. I know

“She is stable”

Jackson stood in front of Bellamy, Madi, Raven and Echo and continued to explain about Clarke's unwavering position. Past these three simple words, Bellamy did not hear anything but a muffled sound of Jackson's voice that seemed to resonate somewhere far off in the distance. Clarke could survive. He could have the chance to tell her all those things he thought he never would. The joy he felt from the prospect of her survival was quickly matched by the equally strong feeling that he could still lose her. That he would have to say farewell to her yet again. 

He had promised Clarke the last time he lost her that he would use his head instead of his heart, and that means he put his people, his family, above his own grief and emotion but now the prospect of losing Clarke again, he could do nothing but listen to his heart. He knows that his declaration (Is she dies, I die) was driven by his heart and is the opposite of what Clarke has told him to do. Even if she were to dies and he did live, he wouldn’t be truly living. He would be dead on the inside, watching everyone else be happy and isn’t that worse?

“I'll do it,” Madi said suddenly, tears streaming out of her eyes.

Bellamy moved his gaze from far in the distance to the child that stood beside him. He was confused by the statement. What did he miss?

“You will do what? Bellamy questioned confusion plastered across his face.

“Clarke needs Blood. She lost too much…” her voice broke at the end.

“As I was saying a few moments ago, Clarke is stable, however (Why didn’t I wait for them, however) she still has lost a lot of blood. We do have a small portion of blood however, Clarke is a nightblood so nothing is a true match. Nothing except…” Jackson looked at Madi.

“Madi you can’t” Raven stated. Bellamy could see it in her eyes. She was breaking on the inside and no matter how much she loved Clarke and willed her to live, she would never forgive herself if Clarke survived because he daughter didn't.

“I can and I will!” Madi screamed storming off towards the medical tent. Bellamy went out to grab her arms and stop her but he was to slow and the small girl has slipped off under the tent flap to save the women who has saved her. All four of them stood and watched her run inside and stood as if grounded by their own grief.

“I’ll go after her,” Bellamy said as a few seconds of silence became too much for him to handle; Allowed him to much time to think.

He entered the tent and the first thing his eyes focused on was her. He body was so still; Silent. It was liking looking at her sleeping in the forest all those years ago after she shut the dropship door. She did what she had to do. The brave princess that risked his life aeons ago to save her people. She looked as calm now as she did back then. Her chest slowly rising and falling to the sound of the birds in the trees only now it was the constant beeping of medical equipment that was keeping her from falling asleep, only to never return. 

Bellamy's eyes drifted from his sleeping princess to the brown-haired warrior that he also owed his life to. Their previous encounter made Bellamy sick to his stomach. Made all the grief that he felt bubble up to the very surface of his skin. Her head was resting on Clarke’s beside and her body moved up and down in sync with the sobs escaping her lips. Bellamy made his presence known by softly placing his hand on her shoulder. He had expected her to push him away, to scream at him, to fight him for what has happened to Clarke but she didn’t. She looked up at him, with her deep brown eyes that were in complete contrast to her mothers, placed her hand on his and rested her head on top of it. They stood there for a moment, almost frozen in time, until Bellamy broke the fragile silence.

“She wouldn’t want you to do this Madi” Bellamy voice was soft and broken; vocalising how he felt inside. Madi looked up at him. She looked as broken as he felt.

“I know…” a slight pause lingered in the air “but I have to. She saved my life. If it wasn't for Clarke I would have died years ago. When Priymfaya took away my family, she was there. When a thunderstorm lasted for days and I was scared out of my mind she was there. Time and time again I messed up, risked not only my own life but her as well she was always there and now it's my turn. She is not only my family but my best friend and I need her to survive.” 

She was waling now into Bellamy's chest. He didn't truly understand what they had done to survive on earth for all those years but he knew that it created a bond that was never going to break. A bond that they would risk their lives to protect. Madi is young but she had seen and survived more than any adult he knew. Clarke would risk her life over and over again to save Madi and now, with her mother's life on the line, all Madi was asking for was the chance to do the same. 

“I understand. If this is what you want to do then I am not going to try and stop you.”

Madi could hear how broken he was from the fragile sound of his voice. She raised her head and looked into his eyes. The Bellamy she met a few days ago was strong and bold but the man sitting beside her now was the opposite. Dark bags lived below his eyes, tears stained his face, his voice was raw from crying. Madi and Bellamy were kindred and both of them understood that looking into each other's eyes now; The windows to the soul.

“You need her too,” Madi said barely above a whisper.

All Bellamy did for a few moments was cautiously nod his head, as if terrified of solidifying his feeling to anyone. He had never even told Clarke. He glanced over at her lifeless body for a moment and the thought that he may never be able to tell her overwhelmed his body and he had to tear his eyes away. He looked at the ground for a moment trying to compose himself. If Clarke may never be able to know, his love for Clarke could live on through her daughter. 

“Yes” be breathed “Very much”

He is never going to tell anyone his declaration but he thought that this summed it up quite nicely.

“Then it’s settled then. I will give her some of mine” Madi said sternly as if all the emotion had already drained out of her the moment something needed doing. Bellamy thought of Clarke. Thought about how much this girl in front of him resembled her even if not physical. If Clarke died then who would Madi have? In thinking with his heart had Bellamy forgotten the one person who, it could be argued, loves Clarke, needs her, more than he does. He was so focused on the grief that he would feel he did not even comprehend the amount that the girl in front of him must feel. 

Bellamy was being selfish. His grief, his pain, his loneliness is only a fraction of what Madi must be feeling. This small girl pushing emotion as a side to lead. To use her head. That is what he should be doing. The pain inside of him was longing to escape; to cause havoc to his world around him but he mustn't let it. He must bury it, like on the ring, so this she can feel all of it and understand it. So in order for her to let the emotions in, he decided he wouldn't feel any at all. He wiped the last tear the feel from his eyes, rose up from beside Clarke side, and grab hold of Madis arms as she was about to leave. She looked at him confused. 

“Clarke would be proud of you,” he said softly. “But its okay to be scared. I know I am.”

“I know,” she said coldly as if fighting back the emotion that was trying to burst out of her chest.

“Its okay” he repeated.

“I know,” she said starting to find irritation in his repetition. She was trying so hard to hold on.

“Its okay,” he said yet again and this time a single tear fell from Madi eye.

“I know!” she screamed. The emotion was right on her surface and Bellamy could she see she was about to crack.

“It's okay.” she finally said. Softly as if it was a pillow for her to collapse on to.

This time she did not say anything but crashing into the Bellamys chest, sobs escaping her lips.

“Its okay” he whispered again into her hair.

“I am so sorry for what I said. I am so so sorry” she sobbed. Bellamy could feel the emotion radiating from her onto his chest and it took all his strength not the break down as well. He was so proud of her and he knew Clarke would be as well. She was too young to be using her head and isolating her heart and although his own head was laying, clinging to life, in the medical tent, he knew that he had to survive this. Not just for Clarke, or for his spacekru family like the last time, but for the girl who was sobbing into his t-shirt, with the weight of the world already on her shoulders. 

“I know,” he said faintly. “I know”


	5. Rooted in love

Madis small hand wrapped itself around Bellamy's as Jackson inserted the needle into her arm. He looked down at her and a mix of pride and fear resonated from Bellamy chest. This girl was willinging to risk her life to save the person she loves and in that moment Bellamy saw Clarke in her. This brought a small smile to his lips. What Madi was doing was incredibly dangerous. To little blood and she would have to watch her mother die but to much blood Clarke would be the one to survive to see their loved one move over the veil. Bellamy squeezed her hand that much tighter as if that would take the pain, the worry, away but he knew that was just a misguided form of hope. 

Madis blood had been draining for a few minutes now and they were fast approaching the riskiest part. Bellamy heart was beating out of his chest as the seconds ticked ever closer. He had only know Madi a few days, but within that short space of time Bellamy had become to view Madi as his own. An overwhelming sense of protection that he can only ever recall feeling with two others Octavia and Clarke This girl embodied all that he was and all that he wished that he could be; Brave, courageous, loyal.

His idea of family chanced a long time ago. For many years Octavia was the only one that mattered (My sister, My responsibility) but, little did he know, the moment he stepped foot on that dropship, what seemed like hundreds of years ago, his family became a hundred times bigger and the person at the centre of that was Clarke. She brought so much light into his life and looking down at the girl she had come to call her daughter, Bellamy saw that same light. The notion of losing Madi and Clarke felt as if the root of his family was getting torn out of his grip and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness settled over Bellamy as if a dark cloud looming in the sky.

Just in that moment, Madi grip on his hand loosened and she collapsed, hitting the ground with a loud thud. Within a second Bellamy was at her side holding her up to his chest with a grip that would suggest that he would never be letting go.

“Madi! Madi can you hear me?” he screamed at her, as if the louder he spoke the more chance he could reach her from unconsciousness.

Her face was deathly pale and cold beads of sweat ran from her hairline all the way down her face before jumping off the edge of her Jaw. Bellamy’s heart was thumping and his head was spinning. How could he let her do this? She should not have to shoulder this. He wish it could have been him to sacrifice himself for Clarke like she had done for him all those years ago but instead he allowed a child to do it for him. His longing for Clarke to live meant that he placed Madi in danger and only now he could see that, with he lying unconscious in his arms. 

He was naive to think that the world would grant him the blessing of keeping both a Madi and Clarke alive and grief home became larger on his heart. He turn to see Jackson monitoring a screen that is placed a few yards back from him. He was confused as to what he was doing until it dawned on him. Madi was still giving blood even in her unconscious state. Bellamys stomach dropped. 

“What are you doing! You need to get this out of her right now” he yelled as Jackson, his voice raw and full of emotion.

“She hasn’t given enough to fully ensure Clarke’s survival. If you want a greater chance to see Clarke again we have to keep going” he said, voice stern.

All Bellamy wants is for Clarke to survive. To look into those ocean eyes and tell her the importance she holds in his life. Explain how his time on the ring without her allowed him to see clearly who she was to him. Not just his best friend but more. To hold her in his arms and feel her breath against the crook of his neck. To tell her that life without her in it, is not truly living. To simply hear her voice. With all these thoughts swirling around in his head, he turn back to face Madi the small girl that lay unconscious on the ground with the key to saving Clarke in her hands. She looked so small and delicate. 

In that moment, looking down on this small, strong girl, he knew what he had to do. The blood that they have now gives Clarke a chance to live, but he knew if Madi sacrificed her life to ensure hers, Clarke would never forgive at him and he was sure he would never forgive himself. Before Praimfaya, sacrifice was in the face of impossible obstacles to save his people and the scars that they left behind still haunt him to this day. But here, now, he is not faced with impossibility, he is faced with a choice; to save half of a family, or a chance to save all of it and he know what he needs to do.

He turned back to Jackson, tears streaming down his face and his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat. He was using his head; doing what clarke told him to do. He kept telling himself this to ensure that he would follow through and it's the same way he survived all those years on the ring. 

“Take it out of her right now” Bellamy said sternly as if all the emotion had slipped out through his tears. 

Jackson hesitated at first, but the forcefulness of Bellamy voice and his now strong and unwavering stance meant that Bellamy would do what it takes to save this girl, even at his own expense. He reluctantly took the needle out of the girls vain, with the image of Abby in his mind. He was betraying her, and her daughter, for the life of a girl who he doesn't know. He looked up at Bellamy and he could see the conflicting emotions flickering like candle in his eyes. He admired his strength. Placing the women he loves life on the line, to save the one person she cares about most.

In the moments of him ensuring the blood was correctly stored, Bellamy had placed Madi on the cot next to Clarke gently, brushed her hair from her face and was looking longingly at Clarke. His expression resembled that of confusion. As if he wanted to say something to her, to tell her something but he wasn't sure how to place those delicate feelings into words. He was just about to step forward, towards her, when something inside of him told him that it was to painful, that it wasn't worth it and in that single moment, Bellamy swiftly moved out of the tent and disappeared under the warm glow of the rising sun. 

All that strength that he could see within Bellamy, disappears the moment he turned around. For him, Clarke and all those burden with leadership, love was considered weakness but Jackson knew different. He knew that the love that both poses for each other only made them stronger. Their love was the source of their strength and in the moment Bellamy decided to walk away, he not just bury his feeling for Clarke, but the strength that was rooted within it. Jackson looked down at Clarke, the woman to survived 6 years in unsurvivable circumstance, and wondered how much of that was due to her love for Madi and how much of that was the hope to see Bellamy again, to be reconnected with her love and with her strength.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this Chapter is so short but it is just sort of a filler chapter. I think i am only going to be writing a couple more chapter of this story but I am so happy people are enjoying it. Again, sorry for the bad quality of this chapter.


	6. "Bellamy"

4 days had passed and Bellamy was still unable to place his head upon his pillow. As he grazed at the mirror and the person he saw before him was unrecognisable. Their beard had grown uncontrollably and now lay as if a forest on their chin. Dark circles lived beneath their eyes that grew tired and cold, as days passed with them still spinning out of control. 

As Bellamy looked about at the man who stood before him, he thought back to the ring, moments after they decided to leave. Packing up his home of the past 6 years to venture to a place that held so many painful memories. He thought back to the last glance he got of himself before dareing into the unknown. What did he think he would find? Did he believe that upon setting his feet on the ground for the first time in over 2200 days he would resort back to his old ways of fighting for survival for the eyes that stared back at him were the same that stared at him upon the ground all those years ago. He hope that this time things would be different. He had to believe that months from that moment he would not be looking at the face of a warrior, scar ridden, but of a man living in peace. 

However, the ground was a devilish and unwavering place in the face of weakness. He carried with him the strength and wisdom he was granted from Clarkes death and stood strong in the face of the grounds malice. Those the lay under the earth, however, were not so lucky. Each weakness was twisted and used against them until all that remained were shells of people he used to know. Miller. Jackson. Octavia. Warriors whose will’s were broke. The thought of Octavia and what she had done bore into Bellamy's skins and his stare broke with the man in the mirror. What happened in the bunker was so dark, even the light of the sun was not bright enough to break it. 

Bellamy made his way over to the bed, as if he though laying down would force him to fall asleep but he knew as soon as his eyes would shut, he would see Clarkes body laying motionless in the desert. That thought alone made Bellamy want to throw up. The feeling of his world being ripped out from underneath him was one that didn't not sit well with his stomach. Instead he lay on his back, and listened to the noise of the people outside his tent as he had done everyday before this one. Their voices and laughter easily made their way through the paper material of the tent and it was as if each person was in there with him. Even surrounded by all these people Bellamy had never felt quite as alone and as their worlds kept spinning it just remained Bellamy that his was firmly stood still.

Minutes passed by of Bellamy listening to the people outside, when Madi curled back the door to his tent, and slowly made her way, cautiously, inside. He emgetly sat up on his bed and tentatively waited for some news of Clarke condition. He had seen Madi only twice in the past four days as she spent most of her nights and days by Clarkes side, only weilding to provide him with new about how she was and then return straight away. 

Bellamy had not returned to Clarkes side since leaving Madi on the bed next to her. He could not stand to see his head so weak laying on that cot; it made his heart ache. He wanted nothing more than to hold her hand as he fought for her life, but seeing her that way made him feel utterly useless. The distance between them made the idea he can't do anything to save her a bit more bearable. He realized how selfish that was, but that was the only way to keep himself together. It was the only way he could stay together for his friends, and most importantly Madi.

She was now sitting beside him, her eyes burning his skin. He looked determinedly down at his shoe.

“Bellamy”. She spoke so softly all he could do was turn to look at her. If he had not know that it was her talking he could have swore that it was Clarke saying his name. She always had a way of saying his name that made all the guilt and pain fade away.

“You need to go and see her. Jackson isn’t sure how long my blood will kept her alive.”  
There it was. She was going to die. It felt as if Madi saying it out loud, was just solidifying what he already knew. Bellamy didn’t say a word, but slow bowed his head towards to floor. Madi carried on.

“You need to say goodbye. You need to tell her how much she means to you and how much you are going to miss her because if you don’t you are going to regret it like the last time”

Those last words resonated with Bellamy. He always contemplated on the ring what he wanted to tell Clarke he had got the chance to say goodbye and now he has that chance. He looked up to meet Madi’s eyes and her face was covered in tears and converted every emotion. Her voice was steady yet still soft, sounding like an adult, but now looking at her in the eyes, she is just a child scared of losing her mother. 

He wanted to go and see her and to say goodbye but they idea of telling her how he feels, how he has felt for almost 7 years was to terrifying of a task. Even though she wouldn’t be able to respond, and his confession would die with her, he wished that she would, even if to reject him because as least then he would know. He wouldn't have to replay every conversation, every look, every action in his head trying to figure out of she felt the same way. Even though he thought that letting her go peacefully unaware of his undying love for her, was the best way to protect himself, and Clarke, a small part of him knew that the moment she took her final breath he would have to add it onto the growing pile of guilt that lives within him.

He was just about to break the silence, unaware of what with, when Madi spoke her voice cracking slightly as she recalled memories of Clarke.

“The first time I saw her she was eating berries on a table a few meters away and talking into a radio and when she saw me it was like someone had thrown cold water onto her. She was frozen in shock. She chased me but I lead her into a bear trap” 

Bellamy’s face was frozen in a small grin. Imaging Clarke’s hope when she saw Madi and wondering how their relationship evolved from that, to what they had now. Madi contunied her story and, as she did, she stared at her shoes.

“Weeks past and I watched her from a distance. Observing her. Seeing if she was someone to be trusted. After a few days I realised that she did something everyday. She would get up, eat her breakfast, pick up that radio I saw her talking into when I first saw her, and she went and sat on a hill that overlooked the valley. At first I thought she was calling someone about me and that any moment someone would come and force the flame upon me but soon I realised I was wrong. She spoke to long and to often to be talking about me and when the valley remain just the two of us I knew for sure.”

Bellamy was confused that this point. (Why was she telling me this? Is she trusting me with a memory she shared with Clarke?). Madi remained in the same place, her voice strong and steady now.

“After a while I forgot about the radio. I was more focused on me and Clarke and being together than who she was talking to on the radio. Even when we shared the same bed, she would sneak out every morning up to the hill and talk to the person on the other end of the radio for about an hour. One day she didn’t come back in an hour, or even two so I went to look for her. I found her on that exact same hill, holding her radio to her chest, crying like I had never seen anyone cry before. Her whole body was shaking. I walked up to her and asked her why he was crying ,Who she was talking for on the radio and it was at this point I realised that their wasn’t anyone on the other end.”

At this point in the story Madi stopped looking at her feet and look straight in to Bellamy’s sorrowful eyes. 

“She turned to look at me and said but one name; Bellamy”

The small grin evaporated from Bellamy's face as the weight of what Madi had just told him startled on his chest. 

“She has told me so many stories about you, and I could tell that she didn’t feel the same towards you as the others but it was until that moment did I see how much she loved you. She loved you so much she called you for 2199 days because she couldn't go a day without talking to you. She would tell you what had happened that day, how she was feeling, she would tell you about me. You were such a big part of her life, that the idea of not being with you would drive her insane. She had me to get her through the past 6 years but she almost had you.”

She paused again and it felt like Bellamy couldn’t breath. The thought of Clarke trying to talk to him everyday tugged on every inch of his heart that was now breathing out of his chest. She had called him everyday. His face was cover with tears that were now falling of his jaw and onto his dark t-shirt. Madi turn to face him, taking his hands in hers. Tears threatened to break, once again, from her eyes.

“I know that you think not telling her how you feel is easier because you think she won’t feel it back or that not knowing what she would say is to hard to live with but I am telling you right now that I know what she would say. She loves you Bellamy, with all her heart. She needed you for the past 6 years and she needs you now. She needs you to tell her how you feel so she can be at peace and she needs you to be by her side when she - when she…” 

Sobs choked Madis words but Bellamy knew what she was trying to say. Bellamy didn’t have any words and he could tell from Madis face that she had said all that she came her tell him. With the two of them sat their, hands intertwined and eyes locked, Bellamy knew what he need to do. He knew that Madi was right and that he need to say goodbye, to tell how he real feels before it is to late. There won’t be a next time or another goodbye, this, right here, is their time however fleeting it maybe. 

“Go” Madi whispered as if she could see in his eyes what has just unraveled in his mind. He looked at her for a few seconds longer before bringing her into a tight hug. He could feel her small breaths on the back of his neck and could her the few gently sobs that escaped her lips onto his skin. He knew the weight that story held on Madis heart and she understood, that although she had promised Clarke that she would never tell another soul, Bellamy needed to hear that story in order to gain the courage to be vulnerable. Bellamy and Clarke were always so strong in front of others yet true in front of each other and Madi believe that Bellamy just needed to hear Clarke being true inorder for him to do the same. 

When they pulled away from each other after about a minute, they shared one more broken smile and Bellamy rose from the bed. He had to steady himself, as if the news he had just got hadn’t quite settled. He slowly walked towards the doors, opened it slightly, and turned back towards Madi as if for reassurance. She did not say another word, but slightly nod her head and turn her lips upward slightly. That was all that Bellamy needed. He turned back around and step out into the world of people, whose voices were now drowned out by the loud beating of his head, to do something he never thought her would have to do again. Say goodbye to his head, his fellow leader, his best friend. His princess.


	7. The first Goodbye

The weight of what Madi had just told him still lay heavy on his heart. Moving through the street seemed so arbitrary having just learnt that Clarke had radioed him for 6 years. He found it strange that within a single second his world was tipped upside down, and yet everyone else seemed to move through Polis as normal. He found it strange how his world was spinning and yet know one else had noticed. He found it strange that impact of Clarke radio calls did not shake their world as well. 

He could tell his face was worn, his clothes were dirty, and his body was barely holding it together, yet Bellamy felt alive. Clarke loves him. Even just thinking about what that meant brought a small smile to his lips. He couldn’t remember the last time he smiled like that. In the mits of death and survival happiness became a luxury that they just couldn't afford and Bellamy was tired of just surviving. He wanted to live. 

His smile lasted a few steps when the image of her laying on the table was forced its way into his mind and Bellamy stopped still in his tracks. It wasn’t until that moment did he realised that he loves Clarke, but he will never feel that love in return. He will never be able to see it through. Through their first kiss, first fight, first time to sleep together. It wasn't until that moment did Bellamy realise he will never hear those words on his lips. Those three simple words that can change everything.

As Bellamy was sinking further into that dark pit in his mind, a hand curled around his arm, giving it a light squeeze as it did. It brought comfort to him that only a few people had given in his life, it was a certain familiarity that shed light in darkness. It was the touch of family. His mind went straight to Echo, a face that would provide him stability in his darkness hour, or Raven, whose way with words would bring a smile to his face. As he turned, however, to face the person of stability, did he realise that it was not either. Their hand was too small to be either of theirs and as Bellamy’s eyes continued up their arm did he realise who is was. Scars covered their skin and as his eyes glanced their shoulder did he see black tattoos covering it. His heart was now beating out of his chest. Anger, gratefulness, confusion all collided in his head at the same time as his eyes met hers. Octavia.

Her hand lay around his arm for a second as the person he was seeing in front of him was not Skaripa or Blodreina but his little sister. The person he would risk his life for over and over again despite the consequences. The person he swore to his mother that he would protect. (My sister, My responsibility). Her eyes still held a small flicker of the love that they used to feel for each other that consumed them. For a second he felt safe, as if his world was not falling down around him. For a second he felt at home. A small smile appeared on her face as they both stared back at each other in the crowd street. 

Even surrounded by all these people, Bellamy felt as if they were the only two people in the world. He was about return her smile when the thought of who she had become flashed before him as his eyes rested on her blood stained forehead. The fighting pits, Life in the bunker, Clarke. He could no longer see Octavia in front of him but the red queen and as soon as that image of her clouded that off his sister, he could not go back. He ripped his arm from her grasp, looked her dead in the eyes for a few moment, as if searching for his sister once more, and then turned his back on his blood, tears running down his face.

He got merley a few steps when the same hand returned to his arm and spun him around. He had expected to see the face a warrior, stone cold, furious at his disobedience to her throne, but all he saw was the face of someone broken, distraught, regret seeping out of their eyes, looking for someone else to help them out of their own dark abyss. He wanted to forgive her, to help her through, but the person in front of him was not the person he wanted to save. He wanted the person in front of him dead.

“What?” his voice was raw and cold, showing no sign of emotion.

She was about to speak but no words escaped her lips but a small sigh that tumbled out of her mouth. He had never seen her like this, quiet, still. Their stares continued for a few moment until Bellamy had had enough. He didn't have time for this, he need to see Clarke. It had felt like an eternity since he last saw her face. Just as he was about to turn, to make a move to leave her standing alone, when Octavia spoke. Her voice was as broken as her eyes made her out to be and that idea tugged on Bellamy's heart slightly.

“I’m sorry about -”

“Dont!” he screamed. It echo through the street causing everyone to come to an immediate standstill. Bellamy looked around him and saw hundred of eyes staring at him and even he was surprised at how far his emotion echoed through the streets. He thought he had better control. He turned back to Octavia, who was also stunned to silence by his outbreak, and continued.

“Don’t say her name” he whispered this time, wanting to keep himself from showing to much emotion to his enemy. 

“Bellamy…” Octavia pleaded, tears stained her face now as she looked at her brother who she knew she was one to break.

“What? What do you want?” His voice was now stern, anger filtering through.

“How is she?”

Bellamy’s blood started to boil. How could she ask that? 

“Dying.” He paused for a moment “thanks to you” he said, looking her in the eye, making sure she heard every word.

To his surprise the red queen looked sad almost. She broke eye contact with him and stared to look down towards the ground. 

“What? Now you care about Clarke?”

Her head blotted up, and tears fell in buckets off her jaw.

“I have always cared! Do you think it was easy for me to make that order? I am losing Clarke as well!”

Bellamy felt sick. She lost Clarke the moment she ordered to shot. She isn't going to lose Clarke like he is. Slow, unrelentless agony that will live in his heart, even after she is gone. To him losing Clarke won't end once she had passed, losing Clarke will become a part of him until he is lost as well.

“No you don't get to do that! Don’t compare what I am losing to you! Clarke became nothing to you the moment you sent someone to kill her. It doesn't matter if it was hard or that you regret doing it because you did and you can’t come to me seeking for forgiveness O when you don’t deserve it!”

He was screaming, all that emotion that he wanted to hide was now open for everyone to view. People were looking at him but the only person he was looking at was Octavia, her face frozen in shock, the only movement was that of her tears rolling down her red cheeks. Bellamy looked down at his feet and pinched the bridge of his nose trying to release the pressure that has built up in his head. So many things were pushing themselves around inside his mind but one stuck out more than most. 

There was one thing that he need to say to her before he would turn his back on her forever. He rose his head back up to look her in the eye and she had not moved an inch but remained frozen like a statue.

“You knew how much she meant to me” His voice was soft and quite as if he was about to reveal one of his darkness secrets to the world.

“You knew I loved her. You knew, more than most, that I needed her. Even after all these years, the past few days with her, I felt whole again and I know you saw it.” His voice was no longer soft but strong. He was no longer speaking in hust tones, trying to hide his feelings for Clarke, but speaking loud, emotion plaguing his voice, as he confessed his love for her in front of the entire world.

He wanted to scream and shout at his sister, for what she had done to Clarke but he was tired, weak and most of all broken and so he continued to tell his sister how he had destroyed his soul even more.

“I alway looked out for you, from the second you were born it was my job to keep you safe, but these past 6 years you have turned in to someone that I cant recognise anymore. I wish I was in the bunker with you, to help you, protect you like always but I wasn’t and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for that, for what you have become.”

Octavia’s weakness that she tried so hard to hide behind broken heart, was now seeping out of her. She was crying sobbing in the middle of the square, surrounded by people who she used to rule with fear. He body was hunches over, and her shoulders moved in time with the cries escaping her lips. Bellamy’s words were breaking her down, torturing her for her actions, and she knew that she deserved it. Throughout all of this Bellamy remained still, not physical sign of emotion showed and only the slight hitch in his voice made Octavia questions if it was hard for him as well but little did she knew her brother, the soldier, was crying on the inside.

“I can’t protect anyone.” Bellamy said quietly as if only to himself. Everyone he saw to himself he would protect, he had let die and know he knew that he would not only have to live with the guilt of leaving Clarke behind all those years ago, but the thought that he left his sister to die as well.

He turned his start to Octavia, who was looking back at him the and expression that would best be described as confusion, painted on her face. He wonder if she had heard what he had just said and he hoped that she did. He hoped that a small part of her would feel something, anything, for how broken she had made him.

He looked around the crowd of people that surrounded him and his sister and saw his family standing within. Even having them so close gave him strength, and that was something that know would be able to take aways. That is something he need to protect. With his family by his side he turned back to Blodreina and continued.

“For six years I thought she was dead! Six goddamn years! And it wasn't until she was gone, truly gone, did I realise how much I loved her. How much I needed her. It had felt like I was floating, all that time up there”

He paused for a second, thinking back to all the times he had cried himself to sleep on the ring, and all the times he had stayed in his bed all say falling deeper into that dark pit in his mind.

“Do you know what got me through? My family. Echo, Raven, Monty, Harper, Emori even Murphy. They helped me everyday to be better, to be the man that Clarke had always said I could be. But it wasn't just them. It was the thought to coming back down her and seeing you.”

He paused and Octavia head rose up from looking at the ground. Her brother was still a few yards away from him, but she felt as if he had just pulled her in the a warm hug. Before she could say something in return, Bellamy continued.

“But this, who you are now, is not my sister, Is not the person I wished to come back to every Goddamn day o that stupid ring!” He has was shouting again, reaching the end of his tether.

“You did not only lose Clarke when you order that kill, you lost me as well. She was my person, and you and your insane idea of people being an emery of Wonkru has killed the one person who means that most to me, the one person who I need, because I can’t go through losing her again after just getting her back.” His voice was weak and breaking as as he finished, Octavia went to place her hand on his arm once more. She wanted to be there for her brother but he wanted the opposite. Anger burned in every inch of body as she moved closer to him and just was he fingertips were about to brush his arm did he move and wrap his hands around her throat. 

Within a second, Wonkru had draw their weapons and holding swords to him, screaming at him to let go of Blodreina. Octavia was clawing at his arms trying to get him to release her. Within her vacant breaths she breathed his name, so quietly no one around could hear. Bellamy wanted Blodreina dead, but he wished for Octavia to live, and the moment she said his name, the cloud faded and he saw his sister once more. He saw her as a little girl, playing with her dolls in their room on the ark, and her face, terrified, as she had to crawl under the floor once more. 

He released his grip slightly and turned to look to his friends. Madi hand now joined them and her face suggest that she was scared. Not of him, but the man that he would become if he went through with this. Bellamy was so confused, he wanted justice for Clarke but was this it? Was this the way it had to be done? Sacrificing a piece of himself to do it? He turned back to you young girl who was wise beyond her years, and she did nothing but shake her head slightly. 

They both knew that Clarke wouldn't want him to do this, as so he release his sister from his grip, and she landed with a loud thump on the ground below, Gasping for breath as she did. People of Wonkru surrounded her emjectly. He looked at his sister, and she was already looking at him. He could see through her eyes that she was trying to figure out why he had let go and let her live after all that she had done, so he decided to answer her unasked question.

“I didn’t do that for you, I did that for Clarke. She wanted me to be better, she wanted us all to be be, including you. She would have given you that chance and so shall I.” 

As he turned and walked towards the medical tent to finally say goodbye to the woman he loved, a thousand of things came to his mind of what more he could have said to her and as the distance between them became bigger, the more he wanted to see his sister again. He would never truly forgive her for what she had done to Clarke, like she had never forgiven him for lincoln, but he knew that just like him had never forgiven himself for that, she would never forgive herself for Clarke’s death. With that thought running through him, he turned around for a second and looked back.

“May we meet again” he said quietly even though no one was around to hear him. He wanted his sister back, not blodreina the person who create the fighting pits , the person who ruled her people through fear, the person who destroyed his world but his sister who he risked his life all those years ago to get on the drop shop to the ground so he could kept her safe and as long has he was breathing he had hope that he would that they would.


	8. One Final Goodbye

The medical tent stood alone at the far end of the narrow street. Its thin material swayed slightly in the passing wind and from its outer appearance, and to all those walking by, it seem just that; A tent. But to Bellamy it was something different. It held something so important to him, simply calling it a tent would be to mundane and ordinary. To Bellamy it was his last chance to say goodbye. What lay within the wall of that tent, deserved so much more than that.

She deserved, peace, she deserved to leave this earth in the valley. If he could lasso the moon and give it to her, that would not even slightly equate to what she deserved. But above all else, she deserved to live, to grow old, to watch Madi become to strong woman he knows she is going to become and as Bellamy made his way through the empty street, the thoughts of what had just happened with his sister ceased to exist in his mind, and in that moment he realised something. He had never felt so alone even with Clarke still breathing and that thought frightened him more than anything else.

As he reached the door to the tent, he paused for a moment clinging on to the hope she would still survive but the moment pasted as quickly as it came. He couldn't afford to be so naive and so he peeled back the opening to the tent and stepped inside, pushing out all thoughts of hope, preparing himself to say goodbye one final time.

She looked so peaceful. Her blonde hair flowed down her shoulders and shinned as if it was dancing with the wind. Hesitantly, he placed one foot in front of the other until he found himself watching over her as she always would do to for him. It was as if she was simply sleeping and if he places a hand delicately in her arm she would wake up and stare at him with those deep blue eyes. He could get lost in those eyes.

He stood and watched her chest rise and fall for a few moments as he knew that his touch would not wake her and he wanted to live in that world of hope just a little longer. He slowly lowered himself until he was sitting precariously on the chair edge next to her bed, not taking his eyes of her face for a second, memorising each scar, freckle, imperfection that was scattered across it; Simply taking her beauty in, tracing her outline. A smile tugged on Bellamy's mouth and he took her hand in his.

“Hey Princess” He spoke so softly it was as if his voice alone would break her. The smile had now faded off his lips as she did not wake to accept his greeting. He looked down at his shoes for a second, gathering all the courage he had left, and continued.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, but I hope you can. I need you to hear this.” Bellamy paused, let go of Clarkes hand, and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. He had to many thoughts shouting in his mind it was hard to listen to just a single one at a time and so he wrote them down, in a letter. She had her radio, he wanted something as well. He was glad of it now, because sitting in front of her, all he could think about was how much he needed her and how he would give anything to save her but he wanted his goodbye to be special, to be something worthy of her. He unfolded the piece of paper, as a single tear fell off his check, and started to read.

“Clarke...” Even saying her name made Bellamy's heart ache. He took a jaggerdy breath and continued.

“Clarke. Up on the ring I retraced our life before primfaya. I replayed every conversation, every touch, every vacant glance trying to construct how you felt about me. If it was the same as how I felt about you. I came to the conclusion that you didn’t because it was easier than the alternative. That you loved me back and I left you behind. You can make yourself believe anything if you think about it long enough and it wasn't until Madi told me about the radio calls did I realise how wrong I was.” 

He took a moment to settle the significance of the calls on his chest. Even as close as he was to her, it felt as if he was back on the ring and they were once again separated by the stars so he took her hand, once again,in his. Looking down on her, even so close to death, Clarke is the most simply beautiful person he had ever seen. Her beauty did not stand out, it was not longing for you to notice it, but it crept out through her eyes, her smile, her laugh. (God her laugh made you want to laugh). It was something you may not notice upon first meeting her because you revel in how strong she is but one day something changes. With that thought, he folded his letter and placed it on the table next to her, then cupped her hand around both of his.

“I remember the day I first saw you. Not when you shouted at me about toxic air but really saw you. It was just another day on the ground and you were helping some kid who had fallen over and twisted his ankle or something and the light hit you perfectly. Everything glowed. You skin, your hair, your eyes. In the darkness that surrounded us on the ground, you were the light.”

He stopped for a moment and wiped the tears from his face. He had never admitted that to himself before because he was scared of what it meant.

“And when you ran and hugged me after escaping mount weather. I can still feel your lips on my shoulder. I was if you left a piece of you heart on my skin. But the time I remember to most is when we were walking with the grounders, just after you had killed Finn. Even through grief you were trying to be strong and that was something I always admire in you but when you said you couldn't lose me, something changed. It wasn't just admiration but something more.” 

Recalling all these memories of Clarke was taking a toll on Bellamy. His breathing was getting rapid, and his vision blurry. With each confession he was stepping closer to the final goodbye and that burning pain was building up inside of him.

“The moment I knew how much I loved you was the moment the doors to Becca labs shut. It was so final. I confessed to Monty many years ago that I couldn't lose you and maybe I loved you then but I never truly understood it but that moment, the moment I lost you, I did and it was to late. Up on the ring everyone's faces mirrored that of your own and still no of them felt like home. None of them felt like you.”

It all become to much. Bellamy was weeping on to Clarkes chest now. The swelling tides of his heart were just an anxious highway anchoring himself to Clarke. Holding on to every breath that she took. Breathing in her sent coloured Bellamy mind with sound. 

In that moment he remembered what it was like to hold her. He remember what it was like to stare blindly into her eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Up until this moment, Bellamy thought that decades from now he would forget what that was like, to look into those ocean blue eyes and feel utterly safe, but now he realised he could never forget that feeling. That feeling was engraved into every inch of his heart, beating through him.

“I love you Clarke, so much” he spoke into her chest as if his words could heal her. Emotion emanate through every fiber of his being, most of all however through his voice. It was broke and tired however still strong from the strength that her love provided him. That was something that he would always have and for that he loved her even more.

He rose his head of her chest now, looked at her face, and took her hand, for what could be the last time.

“I will continue to love you day after day, night after night never knowing your love in return but to know that you loved me is enough.” He took a deep breath and placed his lips delicately to her hand. 

“It was always you Clarke. We were seperated by the stars and still we found each other again, even for however brief a time and for that I am truly graceful”

Just as he let go of her hand, did it feel like she was reaching out to him one final time, brushing her finger against his palm. His hope for Clarke to live was so strong, it now felt she wanted to live as well. He rose from his chair slowly, and leant over her. He hoved for a second, a few single tears left his cheek and landed on hers, leaving a part of him with her for all eternity. He leant down and place his lips upons hers, stroking her hair with one hand, while the other was cupped around her cheek. As his lips left her, looked at her for a few seconds more, before whispering into her ear.

“I know I will find you again princess.” He paused, moved away from her ear and took a deep breath as if what he was about to say next he never thought he would ever have to say. Not to her. “May we meet again.”

And with that he took her hand once more, a final moment of contact. He reveled in her beauty one final time, before diverting his glase and letting go of her hand. He took a few quick steps towards the door however stopped just short. A small sound came from behind him, like someone was trying hard to speak, however no words would escape their lips. Clarke? 

His heart was breaking. He didn’t want to turn, just to see her in the same position. He stood still, waiting for any sign of life behind. He could hear the blood pumping in his ears, and in that second did his heart truly start to shatter. His mind playing one more final trick before free falling off the cliff, a slip into the dark pit in his mind and with that, he calase in a heap on the floor. 

The past few days, all the anger, grief, loneliness was all building to this moment. He had never cried this much before. His whole body moved with the painful sound of his sob like screams. He wanted it all to stop. His world was spinning and the one person he needed he no longer had. A muffled sound filled his ears, like a beacon of light guiding him home. It took him a while to focus on it over his cries but once he did he lifted his head. He heard it again, as clear as day this time. 

“Bellamy?” her voice was weak and soft but he knew it anywhere.

He could feel the ground being place beneath his feet, light shining through the darkness. He slowly turned his head and was greeted by those deep blue eyes. 

“Clarke...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lateness of posting this last chapter
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love that you have given this. This was my first time writing and I can't believe how much people have liked it! Thank you everyone who has read, commented and left Kudos on this. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it! I hope to see you guys soon!!


	9. Bonus Chapter

Clarke started to wake up slowly as if pieces of her mind were mergling themselves back together. Pain was the first thing she felt. It was pumping through her body with each beat of her heart, spreading through every inch of her skin. The rise and fall of her chest was the only indication to her that she was still alive and that she had not stepped through heavens door. 

Emotion rattled around in her head, demanding to be felt. Sorrow, Agony clung to her thoughts as an ever present reminded that she was here because she was stupid, irresponsible, jealous, heartbroken. Faced with the return of her friends, or who they have become, Clarke made choice and she now knows that she had chosen wrong. She became aware of her body, frozen and heavy, like it didn't seem to belong to her. It was as if her mind was falling deeper inside itself, losing her sanity in her own thoughts, and all she could do was watch it happen; her body motionless not matter how hard she tried to move.

Clarke heard a muffled sounds in a mist all the darkness. The constant beeping of a machine keeping steady in time with the beat of her heart, the opening and closing of draws but the sounds that she heard over everything else was voices.

“How are you feeling?” Jackson had asked. (To me?)

“Better now”. Clarke knew that voice anywhere. It was the voice that had kept her alive for 6 years, its was the voice of her daughter. It was the voice of Madi. If it was possible for her to smile in this state she knew she would be. Madi was safe and that was all that mattered.

Madi stayed by her side for hours talking about what had been going on and all Clarke wanted to go was leap out of her bed and wrap her arms around Madi. She sounded tired and scared which made the pain coursing through her even more prominent. It had been growing everyday since her mind regained focus, out of touch with her body. Fighting was becoming to difficult but with every person who had sat by her side, telling her that even though they wanted her to hold on it was ok for her to let go, that they didn't want her to live in pain, and as each day went by she her grip on reality loosen that little bit more. 

She had come to accept her fate, as had they people visiting her, coming to say their goodbyes, a final farewell to another of the fallen 100. Her body still frozen, pain pulsating through, her mind alive, taking in her final moments on earth. 

It had seemed that everyone had come and gone, holding her hand, whispering faintly in her ear that they would meet again, all but one. The one she wanted to hear the most. Bellamy. It felt like an eternity since she had last seen him, talked to him. She briefly remember him scooping her in his arms on the desert, moments after the bullet pushed its way through her skin, him whispering in her ear that she was going to be ok.

The pain amplified in her heart, as the idea settled that she wouldn't be. She would never get to say goodbye to him, to tell him how proud she was of him, to tell him about the radio calls, to tell him how much she loved him. She was holding on for him, as long as it took, but the pain was draining her second by second, minute by minute and she knew that she wouldn't be able to grip reality for much longer; slowly it was slipping out of her grasp.

Clarke, even in her weakened state, could sense that someone was their and she hope, with all her heart, that it was him. She could hear their faint breathing. It was raggedy and emotion filled every single breath. Then her hand was taken by theirs and she knew it was him, the ruffeness of his palms still brought warmth to her chest as if did all those years ago; a single touch that felt like fireworks. And then he spoke.

“Hey princess”

His voice was so broken and raw it felt as if ice was being pushed through her veins. Even all those years ago, she had never heard his voice like this. 

He continued talking, and with each story his spoke, every touch of his skin to hers, the pain slowly started to fade, as if she was finally moving on, that his presence made it easier to let go. She through of all those she will be able to see again. Wells, Jasper, Lincoln, Lexa. All those that she had loved and all those she had lost. She imagine living without pain and suffering, without the burden of leadership permanently sat on her shoulders, Free. She would get to experience, she hoped, all of this because of him, because of Bellamy and for that she was forever grateful.

She was fading, preparing herself to let go, when Bellamy stood, and placed his lips to hers. It felt like electricity was being pumped through her veins, giving her a new lease of life, a second chance. Her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest and just as if felt as if it couldnt beat anymore did he lean in a whisper something in her ear, something that pushed to fight, to live.

“I love you Clarke, so much”

In that moment she knew that she had to live, she had to feel his love, to experience it. Those single words rooted Clarke back in reality. She wanted to scream at him, tell him she loved him too but she could not move.

“May we meet again” 

No. No. She was running out of time. She needed him, he couldn't go, he couldn’t leave her. Not again. She felt more isolation in the moments Bellamy hand left hers, than in all those years on the ground put together. Her head was pounding, working over time to move any part of her body until a single sound escaped her lips. She wasn't sure if it was even a word, but it was something. Beads of sweat escaped from her skin, as she fought harder than she had ever fought, not just to survive but to live; to be loved. 

A thump came from beside her, and as that noise echo around the tent, did her eyes slowly start to open, as if it was the key to unlock a door in her mind. Everything seemed so bright, she couldn’t quite take anything in. Her world was dizzy and out of focus. Her breathing was jaggered and heavy but she turned her head towards the sound that had woken her from her deep sleep. A dark mount lay a few metres away from her. It moved with the screams escaping their lips. It was Bellamy. Broken. With all the strength she could muster she spoke.

“Bellamy?” She was so quiet even she could barely hear it. She needed to reach him, she needed him to hear her, so he attempted it again.

“Bellamy?” Louder this time, and the scream stopped. Slowly he turned his head to face her. He met his eyes and suddenly everything became clear. She could get lost in those brown eyes that stared back at her but right now, they were the only thing keeping her centred.

“Clarke…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would try to write an extra chapter in Clarke's perspective when she was in a comma but i'm not sure I like how it turned out. It so much harder than I thought it was going to be but I thought I would post it anyway to see what you guys think of it.


	10. Hopeless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of part 2! I did post this on a separated thing but I think people were getting confused so I thought I would just continue writing this on the same story! I really hope you enjoy this!

It had been a few hours since Clarke had woken up. As his name escaped her lips, Bellamy's fragmented heart, had slowly start to piece back together. Afterwards, she had quickly fallen back into an unconscious state. Jackson assured Bellamy that her vitals had significantly improved and she should wake in a few hours and, as those hours past, Bellamy had stayed by her side, holding her hand, whispering in her ear, drawing circles on her palm. Thanking every god that ever is or was or will be that she had returned to him. 

Madi was lent against his shoulder ,asleep, and as his eyes broke from Clarke, they drifted to Madi. The girl with more strength in a single breath than most had in their entire body. The girl that, in the face of lose, became the person she needed to be. Looking down at Madi asleep beside him, a wave of tranquillity settled on his chest. With her eyes closed she was able to escape her demons and fears, but to Bellamy, sleep only made them stronger. The deeper he slept the more he fell into himself; into the darkness. 

Bringing his eyes back to Clarke he knew that until she was awake, he owed it to her to care for Madi and so he scooped her up into his arms and made his way out of the tent so that he could return her to her own, into the world that he would never see the same again. The brightness of the sun scotched his eyes and it took him a few seconds to adjust to the sudden change in light, but when he did he saw something that, in this time of crisis and grief, brought a small smile to his lips. 

There, outside the tent, was his family. Waiting for news of their friend, doing what families do best; taking care of each other. It seemed as soon as he stepped foot outside did they all seem to stand up to face him together, as if they had been tensity listening for his footsteps for hours. All except Echo. She rose slightly later than the rest, concern still written on her face. He understood. She didn’t know Clarke like they did. To her she is Wanheda, the Commander of death that granted Echo her life, but still understood her importance. As his eyes glanced down to Echos hand did he see that it was intertwined with Ravens. All the things Echo had done in the past made her who she is and that is strong and loyal and right now, as he stared at their interlocked fingers did this truly show. Ravens strength was deteriorating but here, now, Echo was giving her some of her own.

“How is she?” Raven asked, urgency rushing out of her voice.

“Better” Bellamy said and even as that word fell out of his mouth did he struggle to believe it. “Jackson said she should wake up soon”

As if a dark cloud had lift from above them, every member of their family broke out into a smile. Madi shifted in his arms, moving in closer to his chest. Bellamy's smile grew and he knew that, even after Clarke wakes, be would move the earth to protect the girl in his arms.

“I’m going to take Madi back to her tent to get some rest” he said as he looked back up to the others “Would you guys mind…” he didn’t quite know how to say that he wanted them to stay with Clarke, to protect her. Even though he is doing what he knows she would want, the thought of leaving her alone was to strong to ignore. It was a scar on his heart that would never fade. They all seemed to understand, moving past him into the tent, placing a hand on his arm as they went. 

Raven, however, stopped on her way past, her hand still in contact with his arm. She simply stood their for a few moments and looked in eyes, as if searching her mind for the right words. Her mouth opened, like the words were hiding just behind her lips, for the length of a single breath and then closed. Tears, he could see, were building up in her eyes. She looked down at the sleeping girl cradled in his arms, took a deep breath, squeezed his arm that bit tighter and then disappeared inside the tent leaving thoughts to fester in Bellamy mind as to what was going on in hers.

As he stepped inside Clarke's tent, he was surrounded fragments of who she had  
become. He walked over to the bed and laid Madi down, bringing the blanket up to her neck. He looked at her peacefully sleeping for a second, wondering how long it will be until he will sleep again. At this moment, Bellamy had not slept since Clarke had been shot, 4 days since the blanket of sleep enclosed him; he was running on borrowed time and now, standing in her tent, did he hope that her return would grant him that freedom once more.

He lent down and placed a kiss on Madi’s forehead before turning back to leave her in peace, when his eyes caught a familiar yet distant sight. There, laying on a chair, was Clarke sketchbook. With a moment's hesitation, Bellamy bent down pick up the book, and took it place of the chair. For a second he only admired the cover. It was worn, small cuts scattered across it. Bellamy brushed his hand over the top, taking in every imperfection, imagining the circumstance that made them come to be. He curled his fingers around the edge of the sketchbook, took a breath to steady the loud beating of his heart, and then turned the page. 

He saw drawings of Octavia winning to conclave, Murphy and Emori chained to a rocket. He turned page by page of drawings of her life on the ground. Lexa, Wells. All those that she had loved and lost. He saw a sketch of himself standing in the light of the rover minutes after he had found out she was alive, of other members of Spacekru and as he turned each page he got a small glimpse of her life on the ground without him. Clarke remembering who she used to be, who they all used to be, in order to become who she is today. 

As Bellamy kept drifting, what seemed like, through Clarke's mind, his heart slowing started to ache, as the image of Clarke alone on earth seemed to force itself into his mind and as he was just about to shut the book, feeling to intrusive in Clarke's memories, did he see a drawing that truly made his heart stop. All he could do for a second was admire it, as a single tear fell from his face joining the paper forever. It was so detailed and clear, as if the image was stained into to Clarke's mind forever. The rocket taking off over the tree line, as she stood and watched her friends leave her behind, as she watched him leave her behind.

Bellamy slammed to book shut, as she stood up suddenly and dropped the book back where he had found it. It was as if he wanted that memory off his skin and out of his mind as soon a possible. He quickly wiped his face, that had become drenched in tear seemingly without him knowing like the drawing had drawn him into her account of 6 years ago, closing him off from reality. He turned back to Madi, realising how loud he had been, however she was still sound asleep, her chest rising and falling steadily. 

As he was walking back to the medical tent, the impact of Clarke's drawing had settled on his chest. The hopelessness felt as if lead was being pumped through his body, tears were building in his eyes when all of a sudden he stopped dead in his tracks as he recognised these thoughts and feeling in someone else's eyes only an hour ago. 

(How had he forgotten? How long had it been since she had arrived? 5 days? She said we had a week which means we now have 2 days) 

Raven was pleading for Bellamy to help her with her eyes as the words refused to leave her lips. She was feeling hopeless, drowning in grief not just for Clarke but for him as well, because she had 2 days to save him. 2 days to save Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment because I love nothing more than reading what you guys think!!


	11. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I'm sorry that this has taken me so long but hopefully I will be posting this and giving in regualry from now on. Secondly, I really hope you liked this chapter. I felt that was so much build up to it that I hope I pulled it off and I you any feed back please leave it in the comments! I love reading them and I always want to get better! Anyway Happy New Year and Happy reading!!

A thousand thoughts clouded Bellamy’s mind about how they would save Murphy, but one thing stuck out more than most; they needed to leave soon. Even though the thought of her face made Bellamy’s stomach turn but he needed to see Octavia, to tell her about the impending threat on Polis. Guilt built in his soul as the thought of Murphy, alone, with the enemy made a permanent home in the fore front of his mind.

As he arrived back at the medical tent, he could hear voices inside. They all seemed to merge together for a moment, before one could be heard above all the rest. As clear as day, was the voice he thought had been lost forever. He quickly took a deep breath, steadying himself, and then pulled back the tent door to see the most beautiful sight.

Their eyes meet instantly, as if she had been waiting for him to return all the time he had gone away; tenderly listening to every sound hoping that it was him. They were the same ocean blue eyes he will always remember, calling to him. They held their gaze for what felt like days, taking in every part of each other that they thought were gone forever. A small smile slowly started to appear on Clarke lips, as if seeing his face returned her back to reality. His lips mirrored that of hers, as the last bit of his broken heart slotted itself back into place. They were consumed in their own world; a thousand words were said without either muttering a sound. 

Their friends all stood at the edge of the tent, watching this unfold. The beauty in their love was express in their eyes, the depth of their love was expressed in their smiles. They all shared a look, suggesting that they were impeding on their intimate moment, and so Raven spoke up.

“We will leave you to it”

At her voice, Bellamy turned to look at her. 

“Thank you” is all he said before returning his gaze to Clarke's. The brief time he had looked away had seemed like a life time. 

As the group were just about to make their way out the tent, he quickly turned around.

“Wait” he shouted, and they all obeyed his wish. “Pack your things. We are leaving to get Murphy tonight”

Raven face brightens up immediately, giving him a slight smile and a small nod. He knew that that was a thank you. Raven was never loud with her actions, but even the smallest of them could make waves.

They had all exited in a hurry, probably to start packing, and Bellamy just looked at the door for a moment, taking everything in. He could feel her eyes staring at the back of his head, and as soon as he turned, did his own meet them instantly. Her smile had faded a bit but was still shinning. He took a few steps before sitting down on the side of her bed. 

Their eyes were glued to each other’s. For a few moments all they did was stare at each other, taking in the reality of the situation and what could have been. Neither of them could take it any longer and they both collided together, wrapping their arms around each other and holding on so tight it was as if any second, they could vanish. 

It reminded Bellamy of only a few short weeks ago, when they had reunited again after 6 years. Seeing her again, the joy surrounded that, was accompanied by the disbelief that it truly was happening. He over thought every detail of her survival and he was so consumed with their past 6 years apart that he forgot to live in the present. He brushed over the small things. The way her lips felt against his neck, the was her hair smelt, the way he fingers danced on back, following the line of his spin. Everything was so rushed and urgent when he first landed, that he missed the one thing that he had been longing for, for 6 year; to hold her in his arms, and to be held in hers but he wasn’t making that mistake again.

They sat there, intertwined, for minutes. They had fallen back into sync. As they pulled away and their faces, we mere inches apart, a small stand of hair fell in front of Clarkes eyes. He scooped it up in his fingers instinctively and hooked it behind her ear. This action Bellamy had done times before, when she had been kidnapped by Roan and before leaving her behind to name a few, and each time he had done it he knew that deep down there was something there, that Clarke wasn’t just his friend and each time he dismissed it. He could never quite figure what it was but now, doing that same action that had felt as natural as breathing, he knew that he loved her, and that maybe he always had.

Neither had spoken since they had locked eyes about 10 minutes ago as just being close to one another was enough, but Bellamy could take it no longer. He had so many things he wanted to say to her but only one thing came out of his mouth.

“Hey Princess” he whispered, his signature Bellamy Blake smirk plastered on his face.

All Clarke could do was let out a breath that she didn’t know she had been holding but soon after came a laugh. A small laugh, but a laugh all the same. She cupped his face with her hands and rested her fore head against his.

“Hey” she breathed back. 

Suddenly everything became to much, and her vacant laughs became small sobs. Almost immediately Bellamy took Clarke back in his arms, his hand stoking her hair and his voice whispering southing words in her ear. 

“Its Okay. You’re Okay” repeatedly, much like her had done after lifting her out of the desert what seemed like years ago. 

“You just need to rest you have been through a lot” he said as he started to pull away.

“You’re not leaving, are you?”

“No!” he said quickly and then a beat “Never… I’m just going to sit in that chair over there, so you can sleep” he said, gesturing to the wooden Chair in the corner. He wanted to stay as close to her as possible but didn’t want to smother her. She had to decide he wanted him on her own.

She glanced over at the chair and then down at her hands. She wants to say something he could feel it.

“Will you lay with me?” she asked timidly. “Until I fall asleep?”

Their eyes connected once more, as Bellamy started to smile. There is nothing he wanted more.

“Always”

That simple word wasn’t just a word but a promise. They had so much that they needed to talk about, so many things that needed to be said but right now that promise was enough. That no matter where they are, what they are doing, or who they are fighting, he would always, at the end of the day, be by her side and nothing, not thousands of miles from earth to space or a single bullet would take away who they had always been.

As he lay down on the bed with Clarke head rest on his heart, he knew he would fight to the ends of the earth for the woman in his arms and as his breathing fell in time with Clarke's did his eye drifted shut, for the first time in days.


	12. I need you

The calm washed over him like a cool tide on a hot day. Everything in that moment was perfect and as he slowly opened his eyes, and saw Clarke's head on his chest, did he feel truly at peace for the first time in what felt like an eternity. All he did was lay there for a moment, looking towards the roof of the tent, taking in every moment before he had to get up. He wanted nothing more than to spend the day laying there, at Clarke's side, but Murphy needed him. 

He let a few more moments pass before slowly releasing himself from Clarke's tight grip. He manoeuvred himself to the edge of the bed were he sat for a few seconds longer. Taking a deep breath he pushed himself up as quietly as possible. He still had about an hour before they were scheduled to leave so he would be back, to say goodbye once more.

Just as he was putting his jacket back on, that was draped over the chair in the corner, he heard movement coming from the bed. He turned slowly to see Clarke's sleepy eyes looking back at him. She was so real at that moment, so beautiful. It was the few second she had before her head kicked itself into to leader mode where she was her true self. He smiled softly at her, silently scolding himself for waking her up.

"Where are you going?" she asked sleepily, as she rubbed her eyes.

"We are leaving to get Murphy soon so I just wanted to make sure everyone is ready." he said, slightly awkwardly.

The moment he mentioned Murphy she perked up, as if the simple mention of his rescue was her cue to wake up and lead.

"Ill come with you" she said calmly, as if she hadn't just gone through some immense trauma.

"No!" Bellamy blurted out. "You need to stay here and get some rest"

"I've had rest Bellamy, Murphy needs me now" she said as she started to get out of her bed.

"Clarke you can't start walking around like nothing has happen much less fight a war!" Bellamy said, his voice harsher than he intended.

She was taken aback by the strength of his voice and for a second she decided not to push it, for a second she though he was right but that was until Raven ran in, out of breath. She paused for a moment, looking between the two of them. She was grabbing a hold of her leg, clearly in pain, which Bellamy took as the news she wants to say was to important to wait.

"Raven whats wrong?" Bellamy asked, as he moved towards her, holding the side of her arms to keep her steady.

She didn't say anything but looked to Clarke, who was now sitting on the edge of her bed. Raven's face was plastered with worry and panic, which wormed its way into Clarke's heart.

"Raven?" she asked, almost not wanting to hear the answer.

They both looked at each other before the words tumbled out of her mouth.

"Its Madi" she said, taking a slight pause. Clarke's heart was racing at the mention of her Daughters name, the person who she needed, the person who saved her life. To Clarke that slight pause felt like an eternity. "She's gone"

Without missing a beat, Clarke rose from the bed, clinging to her side as she did.

"What do you mean 'gone'?" she said worry pushing itself out of her voice with every word.

"I went to go and check on her because you two had been in here for hours" she looked between Bellamy and Clarke. " and when I walked into her tent she wasn't there. I asked around and someone said they saw her running towards the valley"

Clarke's world stopped. _(Why would she do this? Why did she leave just as she was getting better?)_   Raven continued.

"They said she wasn't alone" Clarke looked at her confused "They said she was with one of Diyoza's men"

Clarke's heart started to race. It felt as if the ground she stood on was ripping itself from beneath her feet. Her vision become blurry and her eyes started to water as she thought to a world without Madi in it. 6 years they had both kept each other safe, 6 years the were each others family and within a few days that had all fallen down around them. She needed to get her back and, even if it killed her, she wouldn't stop at anything to do it.

Bellamy could see the look in her eyes. He knew that she was thinking about rescuing Madi, but he couldn't let her. She wasn't strong enough and he knew she knew that but if he knew anything about the women in front of him, that wouldn't stop her. He couldn't lose her, after everything that had happened the past few days, if he were to lose her for a 3rd time, that was it for him. Before Pramfaya, the thought of living without Clarke was to tough a concept to even fathom, but now, facing her death once more, he knew he had to do everything in his power to stop that from happening. He promised to keep her alive and, even if she hated him for it, he would do anything to keep his word.

"Clarke, you can't" he said softly as he started to move closer to her. She raised her head to look him straight in the eye. 

"What?" she asked almost rhetorically. He didn't say anything but his eyes told the whole story as they started to water, like they had done many time before this. With Clarke he had always felt safe to feel every emotion, to be him, not the person he pretended to be.

"I need to go and get her Bellamy! Her and Murphy **need** to be safe! They **need** to be back here! They **need** to be alive! she shouted, breaking down.

Bellamy could see it. Tears streaming down her face, her breathing heavy. For the past 6 years Clarke had been safe, isolated, much like Bellamy, and within a blink of an eye she was back in the thick of War. No way out, no Valley to return home to and he could see it taking its tole on her and much as he didn't like to admit it, it was taking its tole on him as well. Back to balancing life against life. It felt like they were going backwards, stuck in reverse, living an endless cycle of violence and war that, for a second laying in that bed with Clarke, Bellamy though they could moved on from. Now he wasn't so sure.

"I will get them back I promise but you..." he paused for a moment. "You can't come with us"

"Bellamy you don't get to make that decision! Its my Choice! Its my only choice" she said slightly deflated at the end, tear streaming down her face, her breath catching the sobs escaping her lips.

_"Only choice, also an Oxymoron by the way"_

"Madi is my Family!" she said looking at his face, trying to ground herself back to reality in the freckles that were scattered across his skin, as pain chorused through her body. All she wanted was for him to hold her, to be close, but she knew with each word she was only pushing him further away "I **need** her!"

"And I need you!!" Bellamy erupted, like he had been wanting to say that every since he had left all those years ago. Clarke was slightly taken aback.

"I have needed you every second of every day since I met you! I wanted to hate you! I tried so hard! You were one of the privileged for gods sake! But I soon realised I couldn't hate you when you killed Atom when I couldn't! I tried to not get attached, I tried to keep our relationship as co-leaders but there was something about you, something that I just couldn't get out of my mind and then one day I was risking my life you get you back from Polis because even the thought to losing you was worth ricking it for." He took a breath not taking his eyes off Clarke for a single second. Her face was neutral, not revelling what she was thinking but Bellamy could tell just through her eyes that she was analysing everything he was saying, taking everything in and thinking with her head like she always did.

"Time and again you betrayed me, and time and again I betrayed you but something, that something that has been stuck in my mind since the day I met you, always drew me back to you and It wasn't until I thought you died and I truly lost you did I realise what it was."

He took a step closer to her, and another until they were inches apart, alone in there own world once again. 

"I trusted you. **I needed you**. You were my person and for 6 years I was half of a whole." He Paused

"Bellamy" she whispered, stroking his cheek with her hand.

"I can't lose you again" he begged, tears streaming down his face.

All they did for a few moments was look in each others eyes, Confessing every sin and revealing every secret, before Clarke brought Bellamy in for a hug. He held on to her so tight, burring his mouth in her hair.

"I'm sorry" she whispered, so quietly, in his ear. 

Once they had pulled away, Bellamy placed a soft kiss to Clarke's forehead. It felt so right, like it had been missing for all those years.

"I need to go and talk to Octavia about Diyoza but I will be back." He paused. "I promise" he said as pressed his forehead against hers.

He took a deep breath, quickly pulled away and was out of the tent with out even looking back. It was one of the hardest thing he ever had to do; leaving her.

"Goodbye" Clarke said, so quietly it was if it was only for herself.

Raven was still standing in the corner, eyes the ground, wishing she could have melted away through the walls of the tent. When she looked Clarke was already looking at her. She had seen those eyes before. She needed Raven to do something she wouldn't like, something that even Clarke herself didn't like, and judging by the conversation she had just over heard she knew exactly what it was.

"No" Raven quickly said before she even had the chance to ask.

"Raven please I need you to do this." Clarke pleaded.

"Clarke I can't, it would destroy him" raven said gesturing to where Bellamy had just left.

"I know" Clarke said, ashamed and guilty all at the same time "But I need to do this, and if he needs me and much as I need him, he will forgive me. He'll forgive you" she spoke softly as if saying it to both Raven and herself like she encouraging herself to do something that felt so wrong.

_"If you need forgiveness fine Ill give that to you. You're forgiven"_

Raven looked at her for a second, contemplating what she asking her to do before nodding her head in agreement.

The very idea of betraying Bellamy tore a hold in her heart, but Madi was in danger and she needed to save her. This whole situation felt so wrong yet felt so right all at once. It was one of those impossible choices between two equally bad options. Clarke had to hope with all her heart that she was making the right choice. She put all her faith in who her and Bellamy used to be, praying that he understood and that they would see each other again because she never got to tell him how much she needed too.

 

* * *

 

Bellamy walked into the tent and it suddenly felt like he was punched in the chest. 

**She's gone.**

**She left him.**

**After everything that he told her.**

**She is in danger.**

**She betrayed him again.**

A thousand thoughts crossed his mind at once but one more than most.

**I need her.**

He hated how drawn he was to her, that even after this he was willing to risk his life for her. An ache settled on his chest that wouldn't leave until he knew Clarke was safe.

With that thought he set off to find the rest of the group, to move off towards the Valley not only to save Murphy and Madi, but now Clarke and Raven as well.

 

 

 

 


End file.
